fumbling towards humidity

I started a six-week writing workshop today.

Workshop / Woodshed

same diff

I’m going to get my ass kicked

If I don’t resurface by early March

someone come and get me

I’m still trying to grasp the reality
and yet something told me I would eventually see a harder truth than I wanted

I pray that it isn’t true…and if it is, that you will seek help and forgiveness.

I still believe in the goodness of everyone….a warm heart still beats, even in those who are lost

yet with this…

a stab so deep, that I lay awake for most of the night
reeling it in painfully close

and trying to let it go

run with the line
break it off in the water,
please

and swim away from my
optimistic eye

blind as that is

there are some things I would rather not see

I walk downtown at night, ushered by winter’s full moon, taking one last bow before the eclipse

I walk downtown on the straight line of sidewalk. I walk towards the light, but there are several blocks of darkness before commerce and carriage rides, marquees and menus bring the promise of life back to Main Street.

I walk past the senior housing, where windows sparkle with holiday bulbs; craft rooms cast a dull florescent glow mixed with soda machine hum and TV screens flash and spatter, angled to face recliners… empty or occupied (the line is blurred).

One window frames an elderly woman in a rolling chair, straining to put one dish into the sink.
One dish.
efficiency kitchen.
clean countertops.
.taking snapshots for memory and further thought about my own fragile condition

I return to the light and the commerce. art openings. paintings. landscapes…
i’m so fucking tired of watercolor landscapes
fake hugs and how are you doing?

what are you doing now?

small talk about art and art walks. talk
bowls of nuts and piles of cheese. politely excused and abruptly interrupted. art talk

more walking towards open doors and open late. I’m hungry,but can’t bring myself to walk into restaurants where tables are full and the bar is… there is no place to sit

i can’t stand to have that menu slide across granite toward me by a bartender who is already calculating tonight’s tip.

“just one?’

so I keep walking.

Finally. famished. The cookie in my pocket is not going to pretend to be dinner.

I order a pizza from the artist at the counter; compliment him on his work; answer small talk questions

and wait.

prematurely drunk on one red wine, I carry the box back toward the darkness, holding it level as if I’m delivering to a doorstep besides my own.

Straight line home…lit by the full moon of promise and one or two stubborn stars

now to the right, I look at the windows. Vignettes of the lives of others. Sparkling holiday bulbs. TV screens still spattering goo all over recliners and plastic plants

and the woman who strained at the sink with one dish.

now sits in a chair

bathed in TV glow and colored lights

ground level apartment

I want to reach in and embrace her….and ask what she needs

It might be most of what I have been too proud to ask for

or it might be

nothing

last night’s playlist.

It’s eerie to leave the station after midnight, but it also feels natural to do so. The thin layer of ice creeping across my windshield; the trains grouping and departing a few blocks away; the odd phone requests that I selectively honor or ignore. One guy called with such a drunken slur that all I could say was “thanks”. He asked if I could play more of the (drunken sound of “do ta do ta do”).

maybe next time ?

yeah.. December 30th do ta do ta do ;)

UltraSound (Rock) with Judy 12/16/2011 09:00PM to 12:00AM

Dressy Bessy “New Song” from Dressy Bessy
Everything But the Girl “Protection” from Like the Deserts Miss the Rain (2002) on Virgin UK (http://www.rhino.com/)
The Smiths “Girlfriend In A Coma” from The Sound of the Smiths (Rock, 1987) on Warner Bros. (http://www.rcarecords.com/)
Dreamboat “Take us Forward” from Rocky Mountain EP (2011)
Pinback “Non Photo-Blue” from Summer in Abaddon (2004) on Touch And Go Records
The Roots “Make My (feat. Big K.R.I.T. & Dice Raw)” from Undun (2011) on Def Jam New
Serge Gainesbourg “Requiem pour un con” from I Love Serge Electronicagainsbourg
Miguel Migs “Tonight (feat. Meshell Ndegeocello)” from Outside the Skyline (2011) on Om Records New
Poolside “Do You Believe? (Original Mix)” from Do You Believe? - EP (2011) on Future Classic New
AM and Shawn Lee “Dark Into Light” from Celestial Electric (2011) on ESL New
PETER WOLF CRIER “Crutch & Cane” from Inter-Be (Americana, 2010) on jagjaguwar (http://www.jagjaguwar.com/)
R.E.M. “Radio Free Europe” from Murmur (Rock, 1983) on IRS

Dirty Vegas “Days Go BY” from Dirty Vegas (2002) on EMI UK (http://www.columbiarecords.com/) — (Break)

Vampire Weekend “A Punk” from Vampire Weekend (Rock, 2008) on XL (http://www.xlrecordings.com)
Otis Redding “WHITE CHRISTMAS” from Soul Christmas (Private, 1991) on -
St Vincent “Cruel” from Strange Mercy (2011) on 4ad Records New
Dreamboat “COUNTRY ROAD” from Rocky Mountain EP (2011) on self Local
Beirut “Santa Fe” from THE RIP TIDE (2011) on Pompeii Records New
Mike Doughty “Gimme the Cake (feat. Todd Colby)” from Dubious Luxury (2011) on Snackbar New
Mike Doughty w/ Roseanne Cash “Holiday (What Do You Want?)” from Yes and Also Yes (Rock, 2011) on Snackbar New

Nightmares on Wax “Thinking Of Omara” from mind elevation (Urban, 2002) on warp records (break)

Clem Snide “BEAUTIFUL” from a beautiful ep (Rock, 2009) on Fargo (http://www.partisanrecords.com/)
Calexico “Quattro (World Drifts In)” from Feast of Wire (2003) on Quarterstick Records
Coco Moirer “Journey to the Center of the World” from Journey to the Center of the World EP (2011) on _ New
Paper Bird “Lullabye” from A Sky Underground (Americana, 2009) on Long Spoon
Rilo Kiley “CLOSE CALL” from Under the Blacklight (Rock, 2007) on Warner Bros. (http://www.rcarecords.com/)
Chris Joss “You Make Me Happy” from No Play No Work (Urban - Funk, 2011) on ESL Music New
Amy Millan “Skinny Boy” from Honey From The Tombs (2006) on Arts & Crafts Mexico
The Belle Brigade “Belt Of Orion” from The Belle Brigade (Rock, 2011) on Reprise (http://www.repriserecords.com/)

The Dead Kenny G’s “Black Goldman Sax” from Bewildered Herd (Jazz, 2010) on Ropeadope
Kinky “The Headphonist” from Atlas (Urban, 2003) on Nettwerk (http://sonymusic.com/)

MArk Farina “Travel” from Air Farina (World, 2003) on OM

Miguel Migs “Zuzu (feat. Bebel Gilberto)” from Outside the Skyline (2011) on Om Records New
Clem Snide “Mike Kalinsky” from a beautiful ep (Rock, 2009) on Fargo (http://www.partisanrecords.com/)
Beastie Boys “She’s Crafty” from Licensed to Ill (Rock, 1995) on Def Jam/RAL Records
Chris Joss “He Got the Shakes” from No Play No Work (Urban - Funk, 2011) on ESL Music New
Menomena “Oh Pretty Boy, You’re Such a Big Boy” from Mines (Rock, 2010) on Barsuk (http://www.barsuk.com/)

Serge Gainsbourg “Love on the Beat” from Love And The Beat 1 on _

AM and Shawn Lee “Lonely Life” from Celestial Electric (2011) on ESL New The Weakerthans “One Great City!” from Reconstruction Site (Rock, 2003) on Epitaph
Bon Iver “Hinnom, Tx” from Bon Iver (Rock, 2011) on jagjaguwar (http://www.jagjaguwar.com/) New
Ryan Adams “Lucky Now” from Ashes & Fire (Rock, 2011) on Capitol New
Nine Inch Nails “All The Love In The World” from With Teeth (Private, 2005) on Halo
Poolside “TAKE ME HOME” from In Flight Entertainment (2011) on Eskimo Recordings
Red House Painters “All Mixed Up” from Songs for a Blue Guitar (Rock, 1996) on Supreme (http://www.4ad.com/)
St. Vincent “Strange Mercy” from Strange Mercy (2011) on 4ad Records New
METHOD OF DEFIANCE “One World” from Jahbulon (Urban - Hip Hop, 2010) on M.O.D. Technologies New
The Black Keys “LONELY BOY” from El Camino (Rock, 2011) on Nonesuch (http://www.atlanticrecords.com/) New
She & Him “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” from A Very She & Him Christmas (Private, 2011) on Merge Records New

My uncle Brenning was featured in an article on CNN.com today. I read the story, having heard snippets told or written by my father and uncle, but it still brought a flush to my face and tremendous pride in our family. There is a deep vein of storytelling in my family. My father and his brothers were all blessed with the gift of narrative. On my mother’s side, the same tradition exists, but no one chose the ministry.

The story of my uncle’s path to the pulpit, his unique approach to “preaching” and the demons he battled as a young minister and child of an alcoholic, serve as a reminder for me, of the struggles that my father and all of his siblings overcame. All became successful, educated and compassionate adults. I live daily by their stories and examples.

It hurts sometimes, to hear people generalize Christians (and even Republicans) as homophobic war-mongers with a narrow focus and no concern for the planet, the poor or anything that isn’t “pure”.

If they could only meet my uncle (a Democrat and loyal supporter of Obama); my parents; and my late grandmother…who once voted for a Socialist presidential candidate, because he had the best ideas about taking care of people ;), I think they might soften the view just a little

or perhaps not… I know that most will never say “I was wrong’

but I don’t hate in return. I simply try to tell a good story with my actions

and occasionally, with words.

Writers, poets, songwriters, scribblers of thoughts………

Do you ever have some lines, little hot cinders of thought that might or might not rhyme or have structure yet

that are so intense…so profound and true to you

that you’re afraid to write them down
for fear they might not take hold on paper

the way they ignite in you mind?